A Peek Into Gorgeous Golding’s Mind™: Father, Why Is It Like This?

EPISODE 021

I was having a conversation with myself recently after listening to a podcast where one of my favourite divorce lawyers in New York was talking about love, marriage, and the realities of choosing to share your life with another person.

And somewhere in the middle of listening, I found myself wanting to talk to God.

Not as a preacher. Not as someone who already has all the answers. Just as a woman.

And I asked Him a very vulnerable question:

Why are we even here in the first place?

I know why we are here in the grand scheme of things. I know about purpose, calling, God’s glory, and all of that. I am not a shallow believer. I love God deeply, and I genuinely want to live according to His will.

But sometimes, you just want to sit with God and ask Him the questions that come from the human part of you.

And this was mine:

God, I am beautiful. I know I am attractive. I am feminine. I am loving. I am romantic. I am sexually appealing. I have feelings. I have desires. I have the capacity to love deeply and to experience pleasure deeply.

So why did You make me all of these things if I cannot simply exercise them whenever I want?

Why give me sexual desire and then tell me that sex belongs within marriage?

Why make me capable of wanting a man so deeply when I cannot simply have that experience outside the boundaries You have established?

And then another question came:

What happens if the man doesn’t come?

Because I cannot marry myself.

I cannot create a husband simply because I have desires.

I can desire marriage. I can prepare for marriage. I can pray about marriage. I can become the kind of woman who is ready for a healthy marriage.

But I cannot manufacture another person’s willingness to marry me.

And if I meet a man I genuinely like, I have also been taught that as a woman, I shouldn’t be the one to approach him or express my feelings first.

So what happens when the woman is ready to love, ready to give, ready to build, ready to experience intimacy, but the man doesn’t come?

Do I simply carry all these feelings and desires indefinitely?

And what happens when you’re a single Christian woman trying to live according to your convictions in a world where sexual expression is normalised everywhere?

You watch movies. You see couples. You stumble across things online. You hear conversations. You see people expressing affection and intimacy freely.

And sometimes, even when you’re not looking for anything, something catches your attention and awakens a desire in you.

Then you remember:

“I am a Christian. I have chosen a different way.”

And sometimes that can be overwhelming.

Especially when you’re not asexual. Especially when you’re romantic. Especially when you genuinely enjoy intimacy. Especially when you know what sexual pleasure feels like. Especially when you know you want to experience it again.

And I think this is a conversation we should be able to have as believers.

Not because we want to justify sexual immorality. Not because we want to weaken our convictions. But because having a conviction doesn’t mean you stop being human.

You can love God deeply and still have sexual desires. You can be committed to purity and still experience intense attraction. You can be consecrated and still sometimes feel lonely.

You can be a woman of God and still want to be held, desired, kissed, touched, loved, and deeply known by a man.

And sometimes, you can even ask God:

“Why did You make me this way?”

I don’t think God is threatened by the question.

I think He wants us to bring the whole of ourselves to Him, including the parts we don’t always know how to explain.

So perhaps the question isn’t only:

“Why did God give me these desires?”

Maybe there is another question:

“What does God want me to learn about desire while I wait?”

What does it mean to desire something deeply without allowing the desire to become my master?

What does it mean to honour God with my body when my body wants something else?

What does it mean to trust God with something I cannot control?

And perhaps most importantly:

What happens when the thing I desire doesn’t arrive when I want it to?

I don’t have all the answers.

This is simply me thinking out loud.

But if you’re single and you’ve ever had these thoughts, I want you to know that you’re not strange.

You’re human.

And perhaps we should create more spaces where believers can be honest about the difficult parts of being human without immediately being labelled weak, carnal, rebellious, or unspiritual.

Sometimes, we just need to sit with God and ask:

“Father, why is it like this?”

And wait for Him to teach us.

~ Gorgeous Golding™️

Purpose. Clarity. Influence.

Instagram: @gorgeous_golding
Substack: @gorgeousgolding
Email: gorgeousgolding@gmail.com